How Did I Let This Happen? Distinguishing Between Self-Reflection and Self-Blame

Victim blame seems embedded into human psychology and society. So, relational trauma survivors struggle with questions like, “how did I not see this?” or “I knew that [FILL BLANK] felt wrong … why didn’t I trust myself?”  It’s tricky. We must self-reflect to recover. But self-blame poisons the path to health. Narcissistic abuse always leaves shame in its wake.

After my misadventure, I asked myself, “What the f*** have I been doing for the last 5 years?” Time and distance (literally, we were driving from Massachusetts to South Carolina) provided perspective. Every time state line we crossed widened the lens on the grift. Anger evicted self-blame. Clarity replaced confusion, and I saw a template for human nature. We need social acceptance, community and authentic, individual, identity. Our social connections influence us on a deep metabolic level – we ingest and digest language and messaging. Pathologically selfish people instinctively power trip on this social wiring. Cults exploit needs.

Photo by Ellie Larsen on Unsplash

So, how do we navigate the natural and healthy need to belong and protect ourselves?  How do you distinguish self-reflection from self-blame? Being aware of the basic template helps. Here’s another tip – insight empowers, gaslighting shames.

Recently, I wrote out a list of the steps that led to manipulation for a client.  When I remove the personal details, generic steps to all culty exploitation emerge:  

1) HELP:

Someone offers to assist you with [FILL BLANK with something that you really want].

2) TRUST:

Time with the person/people, or social connections, or a professional title positions the person as trustworthy and/or an expert. So, if they funnel you into an organization offering access to [THE THING] you trust their intentions. And, because you want [THE THING], you want to believe them.

3) EXCLUSIVE CODE:

The group has a unique vocabulary that redefines familiar words and concepts–not a screaming siren--groups often develop mission-specific language. However, it becomes Loaded Language, according to psychiatrist Robert J Lifton (author of Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism (circa, 1965) and Losing Reality (circa, 2019)) when used to coerce and manipulate.

4) HIERARCHY:

Leaders repeat loaded terms of engagement, drilling in the requirements to (eventually) get [THE THING]. Over time, those requirements demonize personal boundaries– if you really want [THE THING], you will do these tasks, have these attitudes, and be available to the experts, at their convenience.  

5) GASLIGHTING:

The requirements become more rigid and confusing, over time. When you ask questions, your guides respond with variations on … don’t rock the boat. You’ll ruin your chances!

 You really want [THE THING], so you start curtailing your questions.

6) POWER PLAY:

When you do question or push back, leaders start dropping insidious threats:

• “You could refuse to do [FILL BLANK], but you’re letting us down.”

• “You’re letting your willfulness sabotage your work!”

• “If you really want [THE THING], you’ll do what it takes.”

• “Your laziness is controlling you!”
  

7) INCREASING LEVERAGE:

Requirements increase in breadth, weirdness and seediness. Things feel wrong. Your head is confused, though: “There must be something that [LEADER X] gets that I don’t. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough …not doing [FILL BLANK] perfectly enough! Maybe If I try harder...”

8) COGNITIVE DISSONANCE:

Increasingly, demands contradict personal morals, corroding your sense of self. While the group requires tasks that you never would do on your own. Meanwhile, leaders dangle the carrot and pull it away. Inner conflict grows. Emotions and gut feelings argue with cognitive justifications. Time ticks by, demands increase, becoming weirder, seedier and more confusing.

9) CULTIC IDENTITY THEFT:

The longer that you pursue [THE THING] according to the rules of engagement, the less you trust yourself. You start feeling crazy. There’s always another task between you and [THE THING]. Leaders alternate between increasing demands and occasionally offering what Lifton called, Leniency and Opportunity...

“The unexpected show of kindness, usually occurring just when the prisoner is reaching his breaking point.”(p.72, Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism, Step 5 in psychological steps)

The more time you invest, the harder it is to let it go. Look up the phrase, Sunk Cost Fallacy: I’ve worked so hard! I’ve invested time, money and energy. I can’t give up, now! The evidence of grift must become undeniable – it’s painful to see you’ve been trusting a scammer. It’s heart breaking.

In the wrong hands, any well-intended pursuit can be employed as psychological weaponry. That is how it happens. We have a dilemma: we need to trust each other, while recognizing grift. Fortunately, most people are not pathologically selfish and cruel. As Malcom Gladwell writes in his book, Talking to Strangers, you believed because you are human.  You stopped believing when you’d gathered enough evidence. So, navigating this terrain successfully starts by trusting your heart and gut when your head can fool you. Sometimes it happens. So, forgive yourself for being human and place blame on the grifter, where it belongs. Keep practicing trusting yourself.