Defining Boundaries: "I Don't Agree With You"

Esther Ruth Friedman
Aug 13
2 min read

We therapists always talk about setting boundaries, but what are boundaries? I think that boundaries are best understood by examples. The best example I can offer comes from a vignette that I call The Conference Story.

Once upon a time (roughly 2018), I went to a presentation by a brilliant clinician, Bill Goldberg. As per standard conference protocol, after Bill finished presenting, audience members approached a microphone to ask questions, he answered, and they returned to their seats. However, one attendee used the mic as a platform to complain about the organization running the conference, saying, “I think that [NAME OF ORG] should [FILL BLANK WITH whatever….]” I thought, “This could hijack his entire session. How’s he going to handle this?” The answer: boundaries. Without attitude, annoyance, or judgement, Bill replied, “I’m sorry that you feel that way. I don’t agree with you.” Then he stopped. She sat down. He took the next question.

“I don’t agree,” shut the hijacking down. “I don’t agree,” became my takeaway. Today, I employ “I don’t agree” when necessary. The hard stop is the most effective and the most challenging part of this strategy. It is a "Less is More” tactic. Don’t explain. Don’t defend yourself to someone who doesn’t care. Let “I don’t agree” hang in the air. Let that person be uncomfortable. Be uncomfortable with that person. The silence communicates—we’re done. That’s the point.

Man gesturing while talking to another person at a table with mugs, fruit, and a smartphone. — Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Gentle Souls are hardwired to soften relational discomfort. In such circumstances, your boundaries get stronger when you can sit in it instead. It takes practice. I can’t always do it. But it gets easier because, ironically, not explaining myself to someone who isn’t listening, because they don’t care, is empowering. When someone who repeatedly demonstrates that they spout off to assert dominance and I have enough proof, I stop wasting precious energy, time and focus. Life is short. Time flies. Debating with people who don’t care what you say wastes your precious energy. “I disagree,” hard stop, is a boundary. You are allowed to disagree and conserve your energy and time.

It’s counterintuitive, I know. I still fall back into the “over explain, try to fix it, I don’t want this person to be uncomfortable” mode. But less, because simply stating, “I don’t agree” is empowering.

Years later, I told Bill that he’s become my “here’s a boundary” example for my clients. He said, “I’m flattered! But you know, I don’t remember that.” We laughed.

May “I don’t remember that” become organic for us Gentle Souls. May we disagree and then move on. May those moments become distant and insignificant memories. When you say can disagree and then move on with calm and clarity, leaving behind potentially dumb drama, you understand boundaries.