The Narcissism Analysis: DARVO Mashup

Dear Gentle Souls -

As a therapist, I can say that therapists become therapists for reasons that DON’T include I’ve got it all figured out. Personally, I was driven by the inner mantra, "I feel like I don’t belong here.” It plagued me for years.

Long before I ever heard the word gaslighting, I was acutely aware of societal contradictions. I heard the message, ”be kind", but saw cruelty rewarded. When I questioned such contradictions, “be kind” morphed into “you’re too sensitive”, or “you think too much.”

I used to wonder if everybody got a secret code that I don’t get to have. Confusion made me vulnerable. Several emotional parasites took advantage long before my culty misadventure. I was always scrambling to fix some relationship. The cult was my final wake up call:

HELLO!! Pathologically selfish, malevolent, manipulative, grifters leverage good will for selfish gain. Stop wasting time.

I was in my mid-40s with too many years wasted already. Last December, a ghost-of-narcissist-past materialized in my (snail-mail) mailbox disguised (kind of) as Christmas card. I have not spoken to this person for 20-plus years. As you will see, his holiday greeting was full of eloquence and magnanimity.

We all know that no response is the best response. Don't feed the monster. Starve it and off it scampers to find new supply. Yet, that reality is so unsatisfying. The narcissist blows his wad, again, without consequence.

D.A.R.V.O.

It does provide an opportunity: The Narc-Analysis — A psycho-educational decoding of the card’s demonstration of a tactic called DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim Offender: Psychology researcher and academic, Jennifer Freyd, identified this pathological behavioral pattern. Narcissists deflect responsibility with it. When confronted, the narcissist…

1: DENIES: I NEVER [fill blank]

2: ATTACKS: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO [fill blank]

3: REVERSES VICTIM OFFENDER: YOU HURT ME.

The Christmas DARVO mash-up started with victimhood:

Exhibit A: “They say that you’ve portrayed me as a bad person.”

Clever move! Fabricated conversations about him. No one in my life today talks about him, because they don’t know him.

Exhibit B: “And then they ask was she really involved in one or more cults and does she make this claim to help her get gig bookings?”

He continues his delusions-of-discourse, claiming that people randomly asking him two specific questions about me. I hear you scratching your head. Yes, this is bat sh*t: 1) People aren’t interested in my daily minutiae. 2) He's not in my life, so no-one would ask him questions about me. 3) Music venues that book performers aren’t sold by culty misadventures.

This classic narcissistic move has 2 purposes:

1) It’s insane, so we discuss it. Our attention becomes narcissistic supply.

2) More importantly, it weaponizes things that are important to the target (in this case, me). Narcissists can't tolerate shame. They live to dump their emotional toxic waste on someone else. They collect vulnerabilities as data for psychological weaponry for future use (in some cases, decades later), spewing their shame outwards for someone else to carry. Let’s call this a miscalculation. I am long past feeling embarrassed about my culty misadventure.

Exhibit C: The wrap-up: “I apologize for any pain I have caused you You hurt me very much, too. It’s true.”

Ah, the “sincere apology”! A convenient transition back to his victimhood - see, I apologized. What kind of a**h*** doesn’t accept an apology and offer one in kind?

Good news! I accept, as long as I never hear from him again. As for the return apology, I'll pass. I don't need to apologize, or his empty gesture.

Gentle Souls, there are people in the world who don't deserve your grace. My mantra today: life is short. Save your time, energy and focus for those who do deserve them.