The Narcissism Analysis: DARVO Mashup

Dear Gentle Souls -

I became a therapist for many reasons that didn't include I’ve got this life thing all sorted out. For years, adulting confounded me. The inner mantra, "I feel like I don’t belong here” echoed inside. I felt as though everyone understood some secret code that I didn't get. I heard adults say, "be kind", but saw cruelty applauded. Those vulnerabilities attracted many narcissistic manipulators long before my cult misadventure. I was always trying to fix those relationships. The cult was my final wake up call:

HELLO!! Pathologically selfish, ill-intended, and untrustworthy people leverage good will for selfish gain. Stop wasting time.

I was in my mid-40s. Many years wasted already. In December, one decades-old, unfortunate mistake appeared in my physical (as in snail-mail) mailbox. The ghost-of-narcissist-past disguised his contempt (kind of) as a Christmas card. I have neither spoken to, nor seen, this person in 20-plus years. His holiday greeting had the eloquence and magnanimity that you would expect, as you will see.

You know this dilemma. If I take the bait and respond, I feed the monster. Starve it and off it scampers to find new supply. No response is always the best response. But it’s so unsatisfying. Once again, the narcissist gets to blow his wad without consequence. I'm left holding the emotional bag.

D.A.R.V.O.

There's another option. The narc-analysis: for the sake of psycho-education, I decode the card's demonstration of a mash up of DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim Offender: a pathological behavioral pattern identified by psychology researcher and academic, Jennifer Freyd. When confronted a narcissistic abuser follows a template to deflect responsibility:

1: DENY: I NEVER [fill blank]

2: ATTACK: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO [fill with projection]

3: REVERSES VICTIM OFFENDER: YOU HURT ME.

Christmas mash-up started with victimhood:

Exhibit A: “They say that you’ve portrayed me as a bad person.”

Clever move! Fabricated scenarios of me discussing him with others. Currently, no one in my life knows this person. No one talks about him. He is an occasional bad memory; a blip.

Exhibit B: “And then they ask was she really involved in one or more cults and does she make this claim to help her get gig bookings?”

In his continued delusions-of-discourse, he fabricates people, randomly, asking him two specific questions about me. I can hear you scratching your head. It’s not you - this assertion is bat sh*t. 1) People aren’t that interested in my daily minutiae. 2) He's not in my life, so people would not ask him questions about me. 3) Music venues that book performers aren’t sold by culty misadventures.

This classic narcissistic move has 2 purposes: 1) We discuss it because it's insane, feeding the narc with our precious attention. 2) More importantly, it weaponizes things that are important to the target (in this case, me). Narcissists can't tolerate shame. So, they collect vulnerabilities as data for future use (in some cases decades later), anticipating the need and opportunity to dump emotional toxic waste on someone. They spew their shame outwards. I’ve been trotting out my culty misadventure since 2012 and am long past feeling embarrassed. Let's call it a miscalculation.

Exhibit C: The wrap-up: “I apologize for any pain I have caused you You hurt me very much, too. It’s true.”

Ah, the “sincere apology”! A convenient transition back to his victimhood - see, I apologized. What kind of a**h*** doesn’t accept an apology and offer one in kind? Good news! I DO accept your apology on the condition that you stop contacting me. As for the return apology. I'll pass. Best wishes!

His denial conflates his bad behavior with my response to it: "We hurt each other. Let's both apologize." I don't agree. I don't need it. He's irrelevant except as an illustration of narcissistic red flags.

Gentle Souls, I've gathered enough evidence to accept an unfortunate truth: some people don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. My mantra today: life is short. Your time, energy and focus are precious commodities. Save those attributes for those who do deserve them.