Emotional Self-Defense 101: Spotting Invalidation and Negging in Daily Life

Esther Ruth Friedman
17 hours ago
2 min read

Silhouette of a woman in a martial arts pose against an orange sunset sky. — Photo by svklimkin on Unsplash

Happy Fall Gentle Souls,

Greetings from Western, MA. My husband and I are unplugging for a week for our anniversary (10/18, 16 years). But recently, I learned two concepts that could help you to self-protect against manipulators, abusers, and controllers. I wanted to share them before I unplug:

1) Traumatic invalidation: This falls into the victim-blame column. A person, some people, or an entire movement denies, minimizes, and disqualifies the suffering and trauma inflicted on others. Tactics range from: passive-aggressive disdain—invalidators ignore the victims, deny abusive events or pretend the abuse didn’t happen. They express indifference; to aggressive and hostile belittling and blaming of the victims—invalidators dehumanize those harmed. The invalidators treat the victims as though they aren’t really people, don’t exist, and are “the others”, i.e. “them,” therefore they don’t matter.

Pre-eminent thought reform scholar and researcher, Dr. Robert J Lifton, called this 'Dispensing of Existence.' In his book, Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism, he wrote that Mao Tse-tung called those who disagreed with him “reactionaries.” In his convenient view, disagreement with his doctrine was “violence.” Those disagreeing (i.e. “violent”) were unworthy of his state-sponsored “benevolence.” Lifton quotes Mao, “…our benevolence applies only to the people, and not to the reactionary acts of the reactionaries and reactionary classes outside the people.” P. 433. Megalomaniacal dictators dehumanize whistleblowers. It is part of the pathology.

2) Negging—Insults disguised as praise with the intent of making someone insecure. Abusers and manipulators who neg do so to assert emotional control over the person they are targeting. Negging comes in many forms: backhanded compliments; insults disguised as jokes; subtle put-downs; comparisons; criticism disguised as something else; feigned surprise; undermining achievements; questioning your choices; compliments that undermine your capabilities; minimizations of your interests. The template is a compliment, [Wow, great job (FILL BLANK with the win)] paired with a put-down, [I was surprised that you could pull it off, given [FILL BLANK with the criticism].

So, as you navigate through life, keep your ears and eyes open for these tactics. They signal something / someone to keep distance from.

Okay, I’m out for the week. See you down the road!

~Esther