In October I planned to reflect on the Reclaiming Autonomy Writing Symposium. I didn’t. Something in me stepped in front of ALL social media promo and admin tasks: I couldn’t focus. Details were slipping past. I couldn't digest information thoroughly.
Smoke signals—when my nervous system revs up, and the prefrontal cortex shuts down, my adult functioning declines. My focus funnels in on the moment and can't seem to process beyond immediate tasks. The brain’s executive suite, the pre-frontal cortex, the planner, learner, organizer, focuser, and implementer checks out.
Contributing factors overlapped, weaving a rope of anxiety choking out cognitive abilities: the presidential campaign, the related online political vitriol, and the way that those dynamics were impacting personal relationships. The spitefulness, gaslighting, lies, and intentional cruelty send me in two directions: either fearful and hiding or furious, ready to strike like a rattlesnake—fight or flight.
The fight feels better than hiding, but neither option serve me well. When hiding, the fearful parts of me stew in worried ruminations. Fantasies that I can fix the unfixable, “… maybe if I say just the right thing. Maybe if I try to understand that other person ....” These are fawning parts that seek safety whatever it takes. Then I remember that the “maybe if I’m reasonable; or even apologetic for [FILL BLANK] ...” approach only sets me up for more gaslighting when dealing with pathologically selfish people. (Another blog post for another day.)
When in rage, the fighter/protector wants to hurt the gaslighters. Those parts fantasize the perfect takedown. They regret missed opportunities to dole out shame on narcissistic bullshitters. Echos of “Why didn’t I point out [FILL BLANK], when [FILL BLANK] !!??” bounce around the caverns of my psyche. I get trapped in imaginary arguments that I always win—hurray! Then I remember that the-cruel-for-the-sake-of-cruelty people, narcissists who need a convenient toxic waste dump to feed supply don’t care what I say and will only dismiss, deflect and deny (Look up DARVO, or Ghish Gallup). I then feel furious, helpless, and stuck, at the mercy of entitled downloaders who spew their whatever, whenever.
Either way, I wind up flailing around in a rabbit hole of confusion and self doubt. In both cases, I end up feeling guilty—I'm "...not being honest. If I were I'd [FILL BLANK.]"
That's a trap. And a smoke signal.
This is THE Gentle Souls Revolution moment to remind myself of the following:
1) When someone proves they don’t care, they are not trustworthy. The untrustworthy don’t deserve my energy. When I squander my focus on them, I feed them and lose precious time for myself.
2) I am VERY fond of reminding my clients that LIFE is SHORT. The fear, guilt, anger, and hatred hijack time better spent on things that I love: my family, friends, music, the fall colors, really anything that feeds my soul. OR spent on proactively and effectively fighting fascism. That requires a calm and online executive suite. My calm nervous system gives me the ability to respond sanely to insane vitriol. A centered, grounded, and adult response has a much better chance to make a real difference. My impulse to strike back or hide, most likely, won't help and could make things worse.
If you relate to this (if you're still reading, I'm guessing that you do) make finding a calm and clear state your priority. YOUR self-care (especially right now) is critical! Calming your nervous system and bolstering your executive suite benefits everyone around you. Rest, nutrition, love, support, feeding your soul. These tools empower. I encourage you to focus on you and do what it takes to have your own back.
I find clarity through through writing, so I plan on posting a lot about self-care over the coming months. Between the political venom, the election and related campaigns with one side threatening violence, the holidays and overall global uncertainty, we’re all going to need our tools lined up and ready to go. Sometimes the tools are actions. Sometimes the tools require stepping back. You'll know which option is the right option, by following your path to cognitive clarity.
Inhale, exhale. Repeat. Esther
Author of The Gentle Souls Revolution.
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